“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us” Anne Lamott
The illness I have has made every day dear. I try to remember that any time spent on fear, gossip, or worry is time stolen from this big beautiful life. It is a constant struggle not to fall back into the familiar ways of doing things. The “one day I will do that or do better or say that thing on my heart.”
Grace doesn’t leave us where it finds us. I am convinced of that.
Today I am going to the funeral of a kind, smart, compassionate man whom I didn’t know well but who always took the time to say hello and ask how I was doing. Johny Bower you were and are loved and will be missed by friends and family and anyone who had any contact with you. Such a loss.
Life can be unpredictable, hard, sweet, fulfilling. I am on borrowed time in many ways. I say I accept that reality but do I truly accept it?
I will live fully today. That’s the best I can do today.
It has been a tough year. Many of my friends have died of metastatic breast cancer. The future is uncertain for everyone. This year has been a great teacher. Reminders every day that the future is not promised. Each day, each hour is not to be squandered. I am trying to be present for my life. It is something I have to consciously focus on. Prayer helps. May 2017 be a wonderful year.
I found out Thursday that the current chemo drugs had quit working. The nice way to put it is that there has been progression. Going to start a new IV chemotherapy regime this Thursday. The news was disappointing and I did ruminate about it for the rest of the day. But can’t ruin the now. Moving forward again.
I have been thinking about this question a lot lately. Since I was diagnosed with cancer I have been more open and real about questions like this. I make every effort to be current, to be truthful and to be loving to friends, family and strangers. I have so far to go. Who do I love?
I have had an opportunity to face some truths about myself over the course of having terminal cancer. These truths have not always been pleasant or comfortable. I believe each day I have on this earth is an opportunity to do better. To show and practice love and respect for others. It’s the only path towards peace and tranquility. I see my faults and I am conquering them though compassion.
I have been plugged in to politics, 30 Rock, HGTV and other assorted things on television. I spent almost two weeks in bed with side effects from this oral chemo and used television as a pacifier, entertainer and pal. What I have learned through this is I need to give my brain and my soul time to breathe. To decompress. To think about God, faith and healing. A good lesson and reminder to slow down and to tune in.
Changed it up a bit since eating has let me down. I am scared today because waiting on results from scans. Hoping not to get call from doctor because that is always bad news. Just hoping to get results tomorrow at regular doctor visit. It has been difficult…every ache and pain or new side effect is scary. I have many more things I want to do. Not ready yet. I am reaching out to God and trying to establish a closer relationship. Every day I hope it’s getting stronger.
It occurred to me that I have received one thing that I have asked for and struggled with my whole life. I wanted to lose weight, break my obsession with food, dieting and change my negative body image. Now taking the oral chemo drugs and the brain radiation has changed the taste and smell of food. My old favorites have no appeal. I have to force myself to eat now. Now that I have what I always wanted I don’t want it anymore. Another lesson in being OK in the present. Wasted years of not being happy or OK with the present.
I am finally coming out of the radiation and chemo fog. It was the worst I have felt since I was first diagnosed in October 2013. Being that physically sick definitely puts things in perspective. I am grateful that I feel like getting out of bed. That I can walk unassisted into the kitchen. That I can enjoy a cup of coffee. That I have allowed myself to have a mocha frappuccino from Starbucks when I feel like it. Back to paying attention and being grateful for the little things. Every day is a new day with another lesson. I just need to pay attention.